I had the desire to create the perfect blog. I wanted every article I post to be meaningful and impactful. I wanted contributors and interesting commentary on life from the perspective of the Gay Asian Geek. It was ambitious I know, but I thought I could do it. It’s been almost two years since the last post. This site has a huge “FAIL” stamped on it.
During these two years, I had ideas, bits of thought, inspiration and insight that I had wanted to share, but I failed in the execution. The idea wasn’t perfect. The thought was incomplete. Inspiration dissipates so fast. And many thoughts that my insights are not profound enough. Being so critical of myself has kept me from posting anything. Why am I so critical of my own thoughts that I can’t even complete a simple task of posting it to my blog?
It must have been my upbringing with critical Asian parents. I don’t have a Tiger Mom, but that’s only because my parents aren’t educated enough to know how to be one. If they had known, they’d probably pushed me harder. They were critical of everything. But being lower-lower class, they don’t know how to instruct me and my sister to do better. They just complain generally about everything. For me, I only knew that they are placing their hopes on us and we needed to do well… to do better than they were. And they were critical. Nothing was good enough.
I mulled over ideas for articles for days and weeks before writing an article, then mulled over it some more editing and reediting until everything sounded right. Then I had doubts. I am not a literary geek. The ideas are not original. I want stats. I was expert opinions. I don’t steal or plagiarize. I need to make an original photo for the article. In the meantime, posters on Facebook and Twitter were getting more followers and making significantly more impact than my painstakingly honed articles.
I am insecure about my writing. I become critical to a point where I’m afraid to fail… a fear that is self-fulfilling.
This article is imperfect, but I am posting it anyway. I have spent 3 hours on it already… must… stop… must hit “Publish Post” button…